December 30: The chase

jess-right-handI feel like I’ve been inundated by “Best of 2014” lists today. Everything ranked and quantified, and sorted out into “best,” “good enough,” “not good enough.”

And it’s really easy to feel that panic about not being good enough.

The stuff you didn’t finish. The resolutions you made a year ago and didn’t complete. The things other people did that you couldn’t force yourself to do. The expectations you had that didn’t come true last year and probably won’t come true this year and maybe won’t come true ever.

It feels like something chasing itself around inside your chest, reminding you that you’re not enough, that you have to work harder, that you wasted an entire year and aren’t prepared for the next one. This is a chase that you can’t ever win. You never read the end. You can’t even catch your own tail.

But the question that you’re most afraid of considering is also the only question that can get you out of the chase:

What if this is as good as it gets?

What if you never transform into a better person? What if you never stop your bad habits? What if you never become your mother’s favorite? What if you never get your shit together?

What if you’re actually ok, exactly as you are right now?

What if you stop, and open your hand, and whatever is in your hand is already enough?

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